How to feel better about yourself:
1. Sleep without underwear every once and a while, it’s good for you. Maybe even try sleeping naked.
2. Take long baths with tea, ice cream, or whatever you please. Throw in bubbles if that’s your style.
3. Look at yourself like you look at your best friend. Find the freckles you love, what your eyes look best with, what hairstyle compliments your smile.
4. When you look at your naked body in the mirror, only think good things. Say compliments to yourself aloud. Watch yourself smile, and encourage yourself.
5. Take yourself out on a date. Treat yourself to the things you love. You’re alone yes, but there is nothing wrong with that. Remember all the times you were smothered by people and talking crowds, and you only wanted to be alone with yourself.
6. Write yourself a love note. Tell yourself your favorite things about you, and tell yourself all the things you want to become. Tell yourself you’ll love you forever.
7. Take pictures of yourself. Selfies are magnificent! Take 500! Take them everywhere! Find the good lighting! Pick your favorite one and realize what a wonderful work of art you are.
8. Acknowledge your accomplishments, all of them. Got out of bed? It’s hard sometimes and it’s been hard before, so honestly great job. Drink lots of water, and at the end of the day congratulate yourself for staying hydrated. Let yourself know when you are proud, and soak up the feeling of “well done”. h0wlinggh0st (via dishevelment)
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad. Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via kanyequeen)
today my nephew (who’s recently decided that he’s a wizard) came round and showed me his book of spells (a folded a4 piece of paper) - i looked at it expecting to see spells to turn people into frogs and to make you fly etc but the only thing he’d written was a spell to make people smile
and i think he must be a wizard because i smiled pretty big